Witulant

So there I was again, screaming at the television in what would usually be considered an inappropriate volume. Room-temperature, half-eaten appetizers strewn about the living room coffee table doomed to never be consumed. My roommate occasionally emerging from his room with slightly sardonic comments like, “this is why I don’t follow football,” and “you’re going to have a stroke.” Me, a mere two hours ago filled with the hope and foolish dreams of my boys in purple trotting out onto the Miami sod, now fraught with that familiar feeling of disappointment, anger and futility. I pressed the power button on the cable box only seconds before that damning, game-ending field goal soared through the yellow uprights. I already knew what was going to happen.

For the next hour or so, I did what most Minnesota sports fans do after a big loss: I looked for someone to blame. In my head, it sounded like a middle-aged woman from Brooklyn. Stupid refs, buncha Saints-lovin’ cheaters. Stupid offense, couldn’t stop turnin’ over the ball to save their life. Stupid Childress, what a gutless schlamiel! But this never lasts long, and soon I was back to the self-loathing that comes from questioning my own loyalty and whether or not it’s time to jump off the bandwagon, followed by rampant, philosophical self-analyzation (which sounded like Will Ferrell’s James Lipton). Do I really hate losing, or do I just hate the uncertainty of it all? Am I a strong enough person to accept rooting for mediocre sports franchises, or do I need success to justify it? Does it hurt because I love the team or because it’s a perverse version of how I see myself and my own seemingly-hopeless endeavors? Yikes.

In the end, out of the whole psychological mess, I draw these conclusions:

1. Sports mean absolutely nothing in real life. Nothing. Hey, you hear about that record Peyton Manning broke? Who cares. How about that great play on Sports Center? Pssch. The Steelers won the Super Bowl! Yawn. Really, think about it. We make such a big deal about who did this and what team won that, when really, why do we care? Sports are, ultimately, entertainment. They’re something to talk about, something to occupy our time. In the long run, the number of touchdowns Chris Johnson ran for doesn’t mean a thing to Haiti earthquake survivors or to starving kids in Africa. Not to get all bleeding heart-y all of a sudden, but a lot of the things we hold to be so important will mean nothing in the light of eternity. Sports can teach valuable lessons to us, but they’re just another job to the athletes who play them, and the stats compiled mean nothing in real world measurements. Speaking of valuable lessons…
2. If sports in general teach us anything, it’s that losing is a part of life. Get used to it. Yeah, I know, a million minivan-driving soccer moms might think it’s best to let everyone win and not hurt anyone’s feelings, but that’s a horribly-unrealistic message. Get out there, put yourself on the line, work hard and give it your best shot, and guess what? You could be a miserable failure your whole life. It’s cruel and heartbreaking and even a little unfair, but fairness is for cowards. Put that crap on a t-shirt.
3. Living vicariously through anything, especially sports teams, is unhealthy. Like the guy with the season tickets, jerseys, memorabilia and satellite TV package with all the special sports channels who trolls message boards waiting to rip on anyone who thinks his team sucks. That guy probably lives and dies with his team. He probably talks trash at his job and carries on heated debates with rival fans. He also probably doesn’t like himself very much. It’s a little cliched, and a bit of a stereotype, but all stereotypes carry some kernel of truth to them, otherwise where would they have come from? Total misconceptions? Doubtful.

Yeah. So with that, the loss doesn’t seem so bad anymore. The Saints won, good for them. I’ll wake up Monday morning, just like every other day. Go to work, just like every other day. Hate my unfulfilling job, just like every other day. A Vikings win wouldn’t have changed any of that. Their success doesn’t equate my success. Life goes on. And now I have time to focus on more important things. Like hockey season! *canned laughter*